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by disgustinglyperfect



Category: The 100
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Gen, One Shot, Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6629707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgustinglyperfect/pseuds/disgustinglyperfect
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jasper Jordan feels dead inside, and he wishes he were dead outside, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





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Jasper Jordan had died three times.

The first time was when he was speared in the stomach. He was unconscious for a few days; exactly how long, he wasn't sure. That was just about the worst welcome-to-Earth message you could get. There was still a scar under his ribs.

The second time he had died was when he and Monty had their first big fight. They had never fought like that before. They were Jasper and Monty, partners in crime (literally), and their falling-out had hurt both of them so much that they were still fixing their friendship. 

The third time Jasper had died was when Maya left him. When the light faded out of her eyes, Jasper swore that a part of him went with her. Mount Weather had taken so much, and at what cost?

Maya's death had left Jasper feeling grey. He no longer smiled or laughed. He still woke up screaming due to nightamres, struggling to breathe as the pain of loss slowly crushed him as he shuddered in the dark. He wanted nothing more than to stop feeling altogether. Maybe then the pain would go away once and for all.

And there, in the center of it all, was Clarke Griffin. She had saved him from the spear with her badass medical skills. She had brought him and Monty back together when they tried to escape Mount Weather. 

She had killed Maya.

Jasper rolled over to face his window. The sun was just setting. Arkadia was still alive with activity. He sat up on his bed, digging his fingers into the scratchy, faded blanket. Staring at the scorched floor. The same routine, day in and day out.

He reached underneath his bed. His fingers grasped the neck of the bottle and brought it out. Only a few drinks left. He'd better make them count. 

Jasper pulled on a coat and shoes, then quietly left his room. People passed him as he walked the familiar halls of the Ark, blurred faces that meant nothing to him and probably thought nothing of him.

He stepped outside, feeling the breeze carress his face. People were moving quickly and spastically, so no one blinked an eye when he moved towards the fence, cradling the lump under his jacket.

"Where do you think you're going, Jordan?" Someone called from the wall. Finn Collins hopped down, stopping in front of him.

"If you don't get out of my way I swear to god i'll incinerate you." Jasper growled.

"Woah, calm down there buddy. What's wrong?" Finn held his hands up, taking a step back.

"Everything. Your girlfriend killed mine. And an entire mountain." Jasper replied.

"Clarke?" Finn ran his hands through his hair. "Jesus, yeah. I get it."

"No, you don't. Now let me go." Jasper demanded, taking a step forwards.

"Jasper! Finn!" A girl called from behind them. Jasper turned, and immediately his heart dropped.

"Clarke." He scowled.

"Jasper. I need to talk to you." Clarke stopped in front of him, giving him her signature it's important look.

"I'm not falling for that again." Jasper replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have urgent business to attend to at the dropship." He motioned to the bottle in his jacket.

"Wait for me, please? Just... don't leave without me. I'll meet you there, I promise." Clarke pleaded. Her eyes were wide, desperate.

"You've already broken too many promises. How do I know you won't break this one?" Jasper was almost shouting now. He was still angry.

"Because, Finn, Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Octavia, and I will all be there to talk." Clarke answered. 

Finn began to protest. "I actually have to get back to my watch-"

"I said." Clarke repeated, giving Finn a stern look over Jasper's shoulder. "We'll all be there."

Jasper looked up at the sky. The bright blue had been replaced by soft pinks, oranges, and purples. A painter's dream come true.

"Fine. But don't expect me to share any of my alcohol." Jasper gave in.

~&~

"So, do you mind telling us why we were all brought to the old dropship in the middle of the night?" Octavia asked, sheathing her dagger. The rest of the group was camped out in a circle, around a bonfire. 

"It's Jasper." Clarke answered in a hushed voice.

"Yeah, he's right there, getting drunk as hell." Bellamy pointed at the boy in question, who was still cradling the bottle.

Jasper raised his eyes briefly to the group, then dropped them to the fire.

"Jasper, it's been almost four months. What's wrong?" Monty asked, staring sadly at his best friend.

"You want to know what's wrong?" Jasper began, his voice low and careful. "Maya's dead."

The world was silent.

"She's dead, and i'm the one who's still alive for no reason. I'm a waste of breath. I'm not worth anything to anyone anymore." He was shouting now, but he didn't care. He had to get it out.

"I should be the one that's dead. When that Ice Nation warrior held the knife to my throat, I should have pressed into it. It would have hurt less than this does." Jasper stood up, throwing his bottle to the ground, shattering it. His last precious drops of alcohol.

"Jasper..." Clarke whispered, her eyes wide with fear.

"And you." He hissed at her, narrowing his eyes. "It's all your fault. You opened those air vents. You let the radiation into Level 5."

Clarke gasped for air, struggling to find the right words. Inside, Jasper was boiling mad. Three months of her arguing why she did it, and now that she had been called out on it, she couldn't say anything. Typical.

"What would you have done, Jasper?" Bellamy spoke up. "Cage was going to kill you all in order to save himself. He wasn't going to spare anyone."

"You three killed hundreds of innocent people just to stop four or five criminals?" Jasper scoffed. "That sounds like a textbook case of genocide."

"Yes, okay, it was genocide." Clarke finally replied. "Why do you think I tried to leave after we got back to Arkadia? I couldn't face what I had done to get everyone back."

"But you still did it." Jasper crossed his arms. He didn't care that everyone was staring at him like he was a lunatic.

"I had no other choice. I tried to negotiate with him, but he kept doing the extractions. Then, I used his dad as bait. He didn't take it. I couldn't do anything else." Clarke pleaded.

"So you just used people?" 

"I... yes." Clarke sighed. "I used people. I'm selfish, and arrogant, and I tried to be the good guy."

Jasper nodded.

"This is great, and all." Octavia cut in. "But I think we should come back to Jasper thinking he's a waste of breath."

Jasper's face flushed. "Um, that's not-"

"Jasper Jordan." Monty stopped him. "Do you really think that you aren't worth anything?"

"I-"

"You are the best friend I have." Monty argued.

"You're the best damn chemist in Arkadia." Raven agreed. "I mean, you helped me build those bombs."

"That's-"

"You care so much about other people." Finn piped up. "And other people care so much about you. How do you not see that?"

Tears were threatening to spill from Jasper's eyes. He nodded. It was a huge relief to hear that no one actually hated him. He fought the doubts and fears.

"I know it won't be easy for you." Bellamy said. "For any of us. But we'll get through it. We need to support each other. Divided we fall,"

"United we stand." Clarke finished.

Jasper nodded. Maya was still painful. Maybe she always would be. But he couldn't let her destroy him. She wouldn't have wanted him to hurt himself over her.

Jasper wanted to feel. He wanted to feel the warmth of the sun, and the cold of the night. He wanted to feel the itch of the grass and the roughness of the rocks. The sway of the wind and the happiness that only his friends could give him. He wanted to feel everything that Maya couldn't.

Jasper Jordan had died four times.

Once, when he was speared in the chest.

Second, when he and Monty had fought.

Third, when Maya had died.

And fourth, when he had promised his friends that he would start over and learn to heal.

And there, in the center of it all, was Clarke Griffin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I felt like writing some angst....
> 
> This is my first fanfiction, so leave some feedback so I can improve!
> 
> I hope you liked it :)


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